Recently I attended SXSW in Austin, Texas. I live in Austin but I’m in my thirties so I have this “been there done that” attitude towards SXSW. However, a friend of mine had an extra badge and I had some time off so I thought… hey, why not, what’s the worst that can happen.

Here is my diary of accounts from SXSW 2012

DAY 1

Just got my badge and I feel like a king. I’ve got my schedule lined out and I’m ready to get my face rocked off! Everyone here is so nice, I love SXSW!

DAY 2

I woke up in a hotel room with some strange woman screaming at me in Spanish. She was waving her arms around like a retarded drunk monkey. I was absolutely confused and she was freaking me out. All I kept thinking was, please God I hope I didn’t bang this donkey-faced whore!! Turns out she was the maid and just wanted me out of the room. Thank you baby Jesus! Not sure how I ended up there but my head and body feel like Han Solo after he was released from Jabba’s carbonite chamber.  Luckily, I’m still downtown so I don’t have to walk far to jump back in and get back on schedule. I met some AMAZING people last night. Lets do this!

 DAY 3

Well, the good news is I didn’t drive drunk last night! I know this because I woke up in my car!! FML! I honestly don’t remember much. I do however remember drinking red bull vodka like it was made from Chuck Norris’s teardrops!! I know I met a super hot girl from Australia but I only know this because I just got a text message that says, hey this is the super hot Australian girl you met last night, lets hang out today. I must have been all over the map because I’m wearing four wristbands from various parties. I feel like I should/need to vomit but I think I can hold it together long enough to get a bloody mary and hang out with this hot girl… whoever she is. I hope I can see some cool bands today.

 DAY 4

Fuck live music! It no longer registers in my brain; all I hear is a series of noises that sound like alarms going off in my head! If I hear one more person tell me they are in a band I’m gonna use their balls as a foot pedal on a drum kit! I don’t remember the last time I ate food. I’ve got more wristbands, five more to be exact, I hate these things, and I’m starting to hate everything! I feel like Tina Turner after she forgot to make Ike a cheese sandwich! There’s blood on my shirt, I hope its mine and I didn’t murder some hipster kid last night.

DAY 5

Pretty sure I’m addicted to alcohol. It’s the only thing that stops my entire body from shaking and blasting into a full-on seizure! I don’t recognize pain anymore, I feel like someone used a tazer on my balls and then soaked them in battery acid. If someone offered to kill me with a weed eater I would happily accept because it would be a vacation from the way I feel right now. Fuck this town!

 DAY 6

I punched some kid in the face last night because he had drumsticks in his back pocket. I think I’m starting to lose my mind because no matter what song/band is playing all I hear is Sister Christian by Night Ranger; it plays over and over in my head. Somehow I’ve convinced myself that drinking vodka is no different than eating potatoes, so I guess I’ve been eating this whole time after all. The highlight of the night has to be me calling my boss at 3am and telling her that she can remove the stick from her ass because I have two genuine SXSW drumsticks she can use instead. I know this because she told me in one of the five voicemails she left for me. I stopped listening after number three where she told me I was fired. I would give a shit but the only thing I really care about right now is getting my hands on a delicious bottle of vodka.

DAY 7

Well, I started pissing blood last night so I’m guessing it’s only a matter of time before I need a liver/kidney transplant. I finally made it home for the first time in almost a week so that’s good. I guess in the spirit of SXSW I brought a few friends home with me as well, when I say a few I mean about a dozen or so. At first glance they are either some kind of mariachi band from Mexico or they are illegal Mexicans that recently crossed the border. I’m guessing they aren’t in a band because I don’t see any instruments; only potato sacks full of clothes and half of these motherfuckers are kids!

DAY 8

I think SXSW is over but I can’t tell. I’m not even sure what day of the week it is anymore. I’d check my phone but its shattered into a million pieces. I’ve decided to check myself into a rehabilitation center. I think I’m going to like it here, the people are real nice and I get to play with crayons. One of the male nurses keeps commenting on how pretty my lips are. I think we are going to be good friends. All in all I have to say…well played SXSW, well played!