Yo, yo, yooooo!!
I have a bit of a beef with Starbucks. I love Starbucks tea, its delicious, refreshing and just the right amount of boost I need to get my bump on! The problem I have is with the temperature of the tea when they hand it to me. I usually want to drink my beverage when I order it. With Starbucks if you drink it when you get it you may as well be sucking the devils cock-n-ballz because your lips and tongue will be forever ruined!! This shit is HOT!! Not your normal kind of hot either, its bitch-slap-ya-momma hot!! When they hand you your tea it’s in TWO cups AND has one of those heat sleeves around it and IT STILL burns like they’re pouring it directly into your hand.
The first time I walked into Starbucks, I was a young and naive boy, clueless to the ways of the heat! As I reached out with my soft virgin hand to grasp my delicious beverage, I was overcome by the aroma of fresh cooked bacon. It was an enticing odor and it started to take me to my happy place, a little place I call Hungry Land!! Before I got a chance to reach the pearly gates of my happy utopia I looked down and realized that the smell was coming from my whole God damn hand! I’m talking fingers, palm, and wrist all the way up to my fuggin elbow was being crispy fried by this inferno of a beverage! My initial reaction was to start screaming and crying like Rosemary’s baby!! However, after a few seconds I think it burned the nerves in my arm or something because the pain just stopped. I would have thrown that shit to the ground but my hand was instantly welded to that cup like the bed of a pickup truck!! From that day forward I was forever changed, not just physically but mentally as well. I knew I had to either stop drinking their tea or do some preparation for my next visit into this hellish brewery. So, my next visit I tried using an oven mitt when receiving my lava filled beverage… it didn’t work, shit melted right through it. Eventually after about five or six test runs I settled on a welder’s glove. It’s not the most fashionable accessory but fuck it, I’d prefer not having a lower arm that looks like Freddy Krueger’s cock!
So now I try to order that shit a day in advance and let it cool down for a good 24 hours. If you don’t you’re gonna end up with a tongue that looks and feels like a turtle shell and your ability to taste food will be permanently fucked! I don’t even know what food taste like anymore. I could eat dog shit and if you told me it was chicken I wouldn’t know the difference. The only positive part about all this is that I was able to get one of those disabled tags for my car so now I get primo parking whenever I go there.
So, don’t say I didn’t warn you the next time you go into a Starbucks!! If it’s your first time I believe in the buddy system so bring a friend in case of emergency. I also recommend wearing fire retardant clothes, a welders mask, some welders gloves…fuck it… dress like a God damn welder and don’t let your guard down for one second! SAFETY FIRST PEOPLE!! SAFETY FIRST!!
I did a little research and discovered 10 fun facts about Starbucks that you may not know.
*10 STARBUCKS FACTS:
1. Lava is actually 25 degrees cooler than Starbucks coffee.
2. An atom bomb contains 12 gallons of Starbucks coffee.
3. It’s safer to extinguish a fire with gasoline than with Starbucks coffee.
4. Before settling on the name Starbucks it was to be called Dante’s Inferno.
5. Putting a grenade in your mouth and pulling the pin actually does less damage to your mouth than drinking a Starbucks coffee immediately after they hand it to you.
6. When the Devil went down to Georgia he ordered a Starbucks coffee and instantly returned to Hell to cool off.
7. The energy harnessed from a single drop of Starbucks coffee can power New York City for 26 years.
8. NASA was originally located in Southeastern California. They tried to power the first space shuttle with Starbucks coffee and the result was an explosion so massive it destroyed everything for 25,000 square miles. That area is now known as the Mojave Desert.
9. Starbucks coffee does not evaporate… ever.
10. KFC uses Starbucks coffee to fry all their chicken.
*None of these facts are true. They are just here to make you laugh. I aint trying to get my ass sued people!!
Recently I attended SXSW in Austin, Texas. I live in Austin but I’m in my thirties so I have this “been there done that” attitude towards SXSW. However, a friend of mine had an extra badge and I had some time off so I thought… hey, why not, what’s the worst that can happen.
Here is my diary of accounts from SXSW 2012
Just got my badge and I feel like a king. I’ve got my schedule lined out and I’m ready to get my face rocked off! Everyone here is so nice, I love SXSW!
I woke up in a hotel room with some strange woman screaming at me in Spanish. She was waving her arms around like a retarded drunk monkey. I was absolutely confused and she was freaking me out. All I kept thinking was, please God I hope I didn’t bang this donkey-faced whore!! Turns out she was the maid and just wanted me out of the room. Thank you baby Jesus! Not sure how I ended up there but my head and body feel like Han Solo after he was released from Jabba’s carbonite chamber. Luckily, I’m still downtown so I don’t have to walk far to jump back in and get back on schedule. I met some AMAZING people last night. Lets do this!
Well, the good news is I didn’t drive drunk last night! I know this because I woke up in my car!! FML! I honestly don’t remember much. I do however remember drinking red bull vodka like it was made from Chuck Norris’s teardrops!! I know I met a super hot girl from Australia but I only know this because I just got a text message that says, hey this is the super hot Australian girl you met last night, lets hang out today. I must have been all over the map because I’m wearing four wristbands from various parties. I feel like I should/need to vomit but I think I can hold it together long enough to get a bloody mary and hang out with this hot girl… whoever she is. I hope I can see some cool bands today.
Fuck live music! It no longer registers in my brain; all I hear is a series of noises that sound like alarms going off in my head! If I hear one more person tell me they are in a band I’m gonna use their balls as a foot pedal on a drum kit! I don’t remember the last time I ate food. I’ve got more wristbands, five more to be exact, I hate these things, and I’m starting to hate everything! I feel like Tina Turner after she forgot to make Ike a cheese sandwich! There’s blood on my shirt, I hope its mine and I didn’t murder some hipster kid last night.
Pretty sure I’m addicted to alcohol. It’s the only thing that stops my entire body from shaking and blasting into a full-on seizure! I don’t recognize pain anymore, I feel like someone used a tazer on my balls and then soaked them in battery acid. If someone offered to kill me with a weed eater I would happily accept because it would be a vacation from the way I feel right now. Fuck this town!
I punched some kid in the face last night because he had drumsticks in his back pocket. I think I’m starting to lose my mind because no matter what song/band is playing all I hear is Sister Christian by Night Ranger; it plays over and over in my head. Somehow I’ve convinced myself that drinking vodka is no different than eating potatoes, so I guess I’ve been eating this whole time after all. The highlight of the night has to be me calling my boss at 3am and telling her that she can remove the stick from her ass because I have two genuine SXSW drumsticks she can use instead. I know this because she told me in one of the five voicemails she left for me. I stopped listening after number three where she told me I was fired. I would give a shit but the only thing I really care about right now is getting my hands on a delicious bottle of vodka.
Well, I started pissing blood last night so I’m guessing it’s only a matter of time before I need a liver/kidney transplant. I finally made it home for the first time in almost a week so that’s good. I guess in the spirit of SXSW I brought a few friends home with me as well, when I say a few I mean about a dozen or so. At first glance they are either some kind of mariachi band from Mexico or they are illegal Mexicans that recently crossed the border. I’m guessing they aren’t in a band because I don’t see any instruments; only potato sacks full of clothes and half of these motherfuckers are kids!
I think SXSW is over but I can’t tell. I’m not even sure what day of the week it is anymore. I’d check my phone but its shattered into a million pieces. I’ve decided to check myself into a rehabilitation center. I think I’m going to like it here, the people are real nice and I get to play with crayons. One of the male nurses keeps commenting on how pretty my lips are. I think we are going to be good friends. All in all I have to say…well played SXSW, well played!
(In my Prince echo, sexual voice) WELCOME to the jungle babies! This is going to be a place of wonder and magic! A place where you can come and get the skinny on whats happening around the interweb and beyond. Im going to try and do as much video as possible because I only read shit I get from the white house and love letters from Emma Stone!!
Yo, yo, yooooo!!
So, Ive given in and decided to start my own blog. I’ve been kind of avoiding it but I did the same thing with facebook and now I’m on that bitch all hours of the day and night. The world is changing and the way we interact and function in society is evolving right along with it. One of the main reasons I avoided blogging for so long is because the more digital profiles I create the faster time seems to fly by. I feel like Neo when he was slinging digital drugs before he knew he was living in the matrix, somewhere between life and death. Lets face it this shit is turning us into zombies!! Some people even suffer from social anxiety from a lack of physical interaction. I already find myself avoiding crowds. Did I do this before or is this something Ive evolved into from living in my own little box? I’m already pretty bad about socializing, I never answer my phone (people HATE me for that too!) but I text like a motherfucker, I’m surprised AT&T hasn’t sent the MIB to my house to put a beat down on me!! Its not that I don’t like talking on the phone… well… some of it is, but mostly its because once I pick up the phone the person on the other end has the control and I’m a slave to him or her until they decide to let me go. Is it weird that I think this way??
So now I’m blogging!! I’m excited and a bit nervous. I’m nervous because now I have to supply people with interesting information. Ive got plenty of it so I think Ill be ok. Here is my promise to you… this blog wont be your average blog where I post whack shit like recipes or how to knit kitten mittens!! Ill make it interesting and try to do something that maybe you’re not getting from every other blog out there. Ive already decided to make videos and maybe Ill make some mini web movies or something, shit, I don’t know. I’m still thinking but I promise this shit wont be BORING!! So stay tuned…